Behind The Iron Curtain...Roundup

It is with a heavy heart that I must announce that my little doggy is with Jesus now. Yep. Its true. Jesus and his wife Juanita. They're good neighbors...keep to themselves mostly and watch the dog occasionally. I say its with a heavy heart cuz I miss her, but I'll get her back later tonight. Anyway, welcome to the best blog on the net that no one reads. Your awesome entries makes it the best blog on the net, while crap jokes like that makes it so no one reads it. And the only people who comment wants to sell us Canadian Viagra or spam us with photos of girls gone completely wild. While the two compliment each other, (think about it)they have no business here. So I dare you chumps to leave a comment that is actually relative to what we're doing. Prove to us that you read the damned thing. Here's a starting topic, this month we go Behind The Iron Curtain in a roundup all about cars, trucks, or bikes from Communist countries. Including all of the former Communist regimes, the list spans about 30 nations with some interesting automotive possibilities. Lets show ya what I mean, shall we?

Poland is the number one manufacturer of heavy industrial equipment, Polish kielbasa, Polish jokes...and the Polonez. This particular one built by Dohoon Kim is the strato-polonez awesomest rally car ever. Lest you had any doubts, its a real car located in a Warsaw Museum under some shabby apartment. Cuz that's how museums are in Warsaw.



You know who belongs in a museum? Peter Blackert;our newest admin. He probably should be in the Ripley's Believe it or Not Museum for being a freak of nature. No, he doesn't have two heads and doesn't resemble a wolfman...but he has built something like 22,000 LEGO cars in his life. Adding to that heap is his first of many entries, a '69 Dacia 1300 from Romania.



Next he shows us how the Communist Eastern Block does luxury automobiles with this '68 Tatra T2-603 from Czechoslovakia. This rear engined hunk of steel is all dolled up in Prague Taxi livery. Speaking of which, I'm all dolled up in Prague taxi livery now. Yep. And a pair of sensible pumps.



So what the heck is so Communistic about a Ford Escort? Well, this 2013 Shanghai Concept revealed in China puts the "U" in "you go, comrade!" Wait, that didn't make any sense at all. But what makes good sense is Ford's idea to open the market to the world's leading auto manufacturer. So instead of the...uh...Dongfeng Succe or the Haima Freema being the top selling cars in the world, why not make it an Escort?



Why not Zoidberg! Wait, never mind. Make sure your solar powered flashlights are charged to see this Polish FSO-125P...or Polish Fiat. That was a Polish joke. Cuz didn't the Polish invent the solar powered flashlight? No? Or what about an ejection seat for a helicopter? No? OK, lets move on then.



If there's only one thing I know, its Germans love David Hasselhoff. They're also rather fond of the Trabant 601 Limousine as built by Peter, seen here posed in front of the majestic Brandenburg Gates. Are you hooked on a feeling? Eh, I'm more into Rammstein anyway.



Lets say you're Czechoslovakian and you want to feel the wind through your greasy hair as you head down to the local eatery for a Svickova knedlik. What to do? I strongly recommend doing it in this 1959 Skoda Felicia Convertible. I'd also strongly recommend staying away from the pork schnitzel.



The former U.S.S.R. is a vast, cold land that is hard to conquer on the Risk map and where there are bears big enough to crush your head. Also the women there have stout ankles, uni-brows, and hands strong enough to crush a bear. They also have the Lada Niva.



When not busy crushing bears and enduring the onslaught of cold winters and Risk game pieces trying to invade, the Russian Police have the Moscow Traffic Police Lada 110, as built by Ralph Savelsberg, for when the locals go bolshevik on our asses.



In Soviet Russia, everything does things to you. For example, vodka drinks you, radish eats you and motorcycle rides you. It also helps if you say it in a bad Russian accent. My case in point, this olive green Ural military bike with side car, as built by Lino Martins, will surely ride you.



With all this Russian stuff, I can imagine the only people keywording and commenting on this blog will leave links for Russian mail order brides...and they're just the thing for keeping you safe from bears at night. That's why I wonder what would happen if anyone keyworded this Polish FSR Tarpan 239D as built by Ciezarowkaz.



If you've read any Russian literature at all, you'd know that no one suffers like the Russians, and no stranger to suffering under the strong hands of a Russian mail order bride is Tim Inman. At least they can suffer in style as he built Natasha a ZIS 110 limousine. Sweet!



Dornbi has been following this fine group for quite some time now. He hasn't chimed in much, but this Behind The Iron Curtain challenge made him change his mind with this Trabant 601S...although he admits it has that not-so-fresh feeling.



But I'm presuming stale Trabant would bring anyone into this car club. Can you smell the excitement? Or is that goat cheese? Anyway,second on the Dornbi slab is one of the most well-known export products of Hungary during the 80s. And no, I don't mean glam-rock. I mean an Ikarus 260 bus.



Some guy takes a break from his Bad Furday (hah! I never get tired of that joke!) to build us a
Chinese FAW CA1010 mini truck. Cuz the Chinese are the world's leading automobile manufacturers. Apparently. Yep. Forget Ford, Chevy, or even Toyota. FAW is where the action is.



We have a proud Latvian in our ranks and his name is Rolic. So naturally he would build a minibus RAF-2203...better known as a Latvian. And it just so happens to be adorned in the color scheme of the Latvian flag. There's only one Latvian phrase I need to know...Vai jums ir alkohols?



It turns out we have a few LUGNuts who live in countries that have spent some time or another behind the Iron Curtain. Take Raphy for example. He's Polish and he's proud. This time he teams up with Peter to build another Fiat 125P...this one a wagon with sticker bombs. Just as I spent my childhood in the backseat of a Pinto, Raphy has fond boyhood memories of this baby.



Is that all of them? I think it is. Now we wait for the unrelated comments to roll in about Russian mail order brides, Canadian Viagra and car dealerships. Or maybe my little dare at the beginning will generate some good pertinent comments about LEGO or Communist automotives. I doubt it though. In the meantime, we have a new build challenge this month called May The Force Be With You...all about terrestrial vehicles inspired by Star Wars spaceships. Its best if you imagine what it would be like if the story took place on Earth. How do we do this? Well, perhaps an X-Wing is sort of shaped like a 60's era dragster. Give it a white and red color scheme with a little bit of grey greebling and you've nailed it. Maybe a Jawa Sandcrawler can be a DAF Paris-Dakar racer...and maybe a beat up green, grey and brown Dodge van might be slightly reminiscent of the Slave I. Either way, the stars are the limit when you build Star Wars related vehicles. So let's get building already! Also, I'd say we put Jar-Jar Binks in a helicopter. The one with the ejection seat, of course.

Toyota Tacoma Time...Roundup

Who has love for the Toyota Tacoma? According to this month's challenge called Toyota Tacoma Time, in spite of my best intentions, it turns out not many of us do. You see, it was one of them weird challenges where everyone builds the same damn thing, but for the love of Jesus, Mary, and Joseph on a pogo stick, they had all better be different. We could have built any year Tacoma,even its precursor, the indestructible Hilux, and thus this offered opportunities for lots of customization. There were not a lot of entries, but as for Jesus, Mary, and Joseph hopping merrily along, they can all take solace in knowing that at least they were all different. Let's show ya what I mean, shall we?

Even if a lot of people don't come to the party, you can always count on Peter Blackert to bring the chips, dip, guacamole, beer, entertainment, music...and strippers. First the chips as represented by this 2013 Toyota Tacoma TRD T|X Baja Edition. Its red and comes with a neat diorama. If I've said this once, I'll say it a thousand times...its all about the tan bushes. Wait, what?



Next on the Peter slab, he brings the dip...or in this case the yellow and white Disney/Pixar - 'Toy Story' - Pizza Planet Delivery Hilux. The details are awesome, including the Pizza Planet rocket on the roof and the "YO" on the tailgate.



Did someone say kumquats? No? Never say kumquats in Peter's presence. But he did bring the guacamole...and also a Toyota Tacoma Double Cab 4x4 Custom with matching yacht and trailer. Our strict automotive rules makes it so you can't build boats...unless said boat is a '72 Buick Riviera or being towed by some sort of car, truck or bike. Then its welcome aboard, sailor! I like boats. Ya'll should build more. Just sayin'.



A friend indeed is the friend that brings the beer. Or also the Toyota Tacoma Single Cab Pickup in dark tan complete with diorama and dark tan bush. That's cool too. But definitely the beer is essential to any party.



Next Peter brings the entertainment...and nothing is more entertaining than an Aussie building a Captain America inspired Toyota Tacoma monster truck. Guess what. This was precisely what I would have built had I not built a snowplow. No seriously, a monster truck called Captain America was my second choice, but that would have involved opening a rare Technic set for the monster tires and acquiring the stupid Cap America Hero Factory fig for the shield. Almost!



But, as the Highlander says, there can only be one...so thankfully there was only one Toyota FJ cruiser...really a Tacoma in weirder clothing. This would satisfy the music portion of the party analogy, but does it satisfy the need to get everyone on the dance floor? Its like expecting throbbing dance beats and instead somebody brings Slim Whitman.



But strippers make any party so much better...even if said stripper is in the form of a single cab version of the Toyota Tacoma at 1:28 scale. Never in my entire life would I predict I'd type the above sentence, but writing the monthly roundups is all about surprises. That and kumquats. And occasionally telling the Lansing Lugnuts to go get bent. Thanks, Peter. Thanks for bringing up that old can of worms.



See, he builds a blue Tacoma and suddenly I'm picking a beef with an entire minor league softball team...again. Lino Martins (hey, that's me!)builds a Tacoma snowplow and suddenly I want to skin an Ewok alive. Why? Well, duh! That should be obvious. The color scheme and function of this industrious plow was inspired by the Star Wars Snowspeeder, which makes me realize an Ewok would make a nice handbag.



Pretty obvious now, right? This is why Raphy presents two very obvious choices for his entries. You see, when you have a Toyota Tacoma, you're faced with two very obvious choices. Either make yours into a Baja Racer...or a bunny. I can assure you, many a night of sleep was lost waffling between these two choices. The dilemma can bring a grown-ass man to tears, lemme tell ya.



This quick cartoonish build as rendered by LegoNoitAllMOCs makes me want to punch Howie Mandel in the balls, but that correlation should be so obvious that it doesn't require further explanation. But what confuses me still is; is this builder a "know it all" or a "no it all"? Was that like a misspelling or was it on purpose? Will I ever dislodge my fist from this Pringles can? I think not.



Lastly, Rolic is a man of very few words with his entry. He just tells us its black and lime with a dark red interior. That's it. So its up to me to come up with the rest. Um...so...here's a question. If you were a hot dog and you were starving, would you eat yourself? I think we all know the answer to that.



So that brings us to the logical conclusion of this roundup. It was short and sweet and thus will give me more time to paint, build, read, walk the dog, or do whatever. Cool. But tune in next month when we go Behind The Iron Curtain in a roundup all about vehicles manufactured or associated with Communist countries. Between current and former Communist regimes, about 30 nations fit the bill so it should be interesting to see how it all turns out. I don't know about you, but I'll be waiting patiently with baited breath.Under the cover of night. And a bear trap. And a pile of leaves. Cuz Howie Mandel would be hard to capture otherwise. Cripes, do I need to explain the obvious to you people?! Anyway, we'll see ya next time. Take your beer and close the fridge on the way out and tell the stripper I love her.

Mad Motor Skills...Roundup

I have what every man could ever want. And no, I don't mean a broken neck and a mustache. Although that would be sweet. I have a good job, good home, good girlfriend, good dog...oh and recognition from my heroes. Lemme explain. I was at Emerald City Comicon last weekend and there I met Coop, who is one of my fave artists of all time. He's rather lowbrow, so don't go looking him up at work or around kids, but his work has been pretty influential around the hot rod scene. Anyway, I go up to him, trying not to be a fanboy and trying to play it cool but my hands were shaking a little. And I says...hey Coop. Hows it going? I'm a big fan of yours and one of your flickr contacts. One of millions, I'm sure. He says...yeah, actually. So I says...I just sort of build these...uh...you know...LEGO custom cars and hot rods. Its just some thing I do. Then he says...oh, you were that guy in the documentary, right? My face brightens. Well...yeah!, I says. Then he says...yeah, I follow your work and a few other LEGO guys. Then he told me a few things about myself that made me realize he really does follow my work and he wasn't just patronizing me. So then we exchanged autographs. I gave him a signed Lino Studs card. And he...well, he didn't exactly give me his book. I paid $40 for it. But he did sign it. So there you have it. I have recognition from the king of lowbrow art and and a great LEGO car club full of guys with Mad Motor Skills. See how I slipped in the name of the challenge there? It was all about engines and I gotta say, the build and photo quality on most of these entries are top notch. I'm proud of you guys. The engines look prettier than even I thought they would be. lets see what I mean, shall we? And here's to very important people knowing who we are and what we do.

Surely some very important people know about Ralph Savelsberg, and for good reason. He shows us all how this challenge is done with this Man TGX truck...and while the rest of us were dreaming up ways to build a big honkin' V-8, Ralph illustrates a diesel V-6. A big honkin' diesel V-6 nonetheless. The crate palate adds an extra touch of realism to the whole shebang.





No custom hot rod pickup would be complete without a V-8 engine the size of a grand piano...as demonstrated by drdesignz. Just like DoktorZapp, drdesignz is a real doctor and therefor qualified to have a look at this lump on my neck. Give it to me straight, doctor. How long do I have to live?





Not a real doctor but still with pickup trucks on the brain is AadenH and his 1979 Datsun 620 with a N/A L20B engine. This custom candy apple red show truck sports a ground scraping stance and chrome bumpers, grille and rims. See, this is what the Europeans are missing over there...ground scraping stances that make a truck somehow way less practical. Its the American way.



The Bing-Bong Brothers built us a pretty sweet BMW M3 E92 and offers us not one, not two, but three custom choices for engines.From left to right we have the 4.0 liter, 400 horsepower high revving stock V8, the 502 supercharged big block American crate motor with over 1000 horsepower, and the 12 liter 1800 horsepower beast of a marine motor which barely fits in the engine bay at all. Tsk tsk...the very practical Germans would not approve.



While everyone else abides by the rules and built engines, Kin.lego says...whooo look at my red car! I can't believe how awesome I am with my awesome red car! Whooo-hooo, look at my red car! Live in fear of my red car, bitches! Whoooo! Yeah! I'm king of the world! Whoooo! ...Aaaaaand not an engine in sight. Someone wasn't paying attention. You broke the internet, Kin.lego. Total bummer, dude. Total bummer.



Luckily, Peter Blackert was not only paying attention, but he also presented a whole slew of totally awesome renders. The first being a 2008 Ford FPV FG Falcon with a 4.0 Turbo, 310 kW, which incidentally Peter had a hand in designing in real life. I cram a bunch of greebly bits into an engine and hope for the best whereas Peter knows what all them greebly bits do.



Peter is a Ford engineer, and a good sport. Knowing full well the competition also has a little something to write home about, he presents us the 2014 Chevrolet SS Sedan with its 450 horsepower V LT1 V8 engine. Let us bask in the glory that is a Ford engineer building something beautiful for Chevy. Sort of gets you right in the breadmaker, don't it?



But back to Ford, long before any of us were alive, some Ford engineer designed the 1957 Ford Fairlane Hardtop equipped with a red 292 CID 'Thunderbird' V8. Peter renders the feat nicely with his third entry. Ain't them colors purdy?



That tall brillo-haired Jeremy guy on Top Gear hates all American cars...except for the Ford GT as pictured here next to its 5.4 DOHC Supercharged V8. Ford builds a 100th anniversary car and Peter makes this his 100th Ford presented on Flickr. Now that is just too perfect.



Peter's penultimate entry (look it up, kids!) goes real oldschool with this stunning 1931 Marmon S I X T E E N - Victoria Club Coupe posed beside a 491 CID, 45 degree V16 engine. Man, is it just me, or are all these renders totally top notch? Those are computer generated renders, not photographs. Talk about Mad Motor Skills!



And last on the Peter slab is the new Ferrari...uh...LaFerrari with a 6.3 litre V12 KERS engine or Kinetic Energy Recovery System - kind of like a hybrid. Wow, the Italian automakers made their car sound French somehow. Kinda like a pizza baguette. Remember LeCar from like three decades ago? Well this is exactly like that. Exactly.



Dylan Denton loves a MOPAR. But then again, who doesn't? He likes the bright orange Chrysler 440 "Six-Pack" power plant in an otherwise...uh...not-orange car...in this case a white'69 Plymouth Roadrunner. Its like a six pack of Orange Crush stored under your hood. Or something.



Forget the V-6, forget the V-8. The V-12 all y'all cram into a Lambo and think its the bee's knees is merely pathetic child's play. You may as well just go home now. Because to haul 600 tons of TechnicNick built mining machinery plus an equal amount of payload, you're gonna need a monstrous V-20 the size of a city bus. Or the size of a VW bus. Or the size of a bread basket. Or a kumquat. Actually I don't know how big they are. Either way, they crank out an awesome 3500 horsepower!



Legotrucks lives up to his name with this highly detailed, chrome-laden Kenworth K100 posed next to a CAT 3408 V8 engine...in CAT yellow, of course. See, didn't I tell ya photo and build quality was going to be pretty stellar this month? These entries are so good I don't even have any jokes about paying for strange or time travel or anything. Its like I'm stumped.



This rat rod built by Mahjqa is a slight rule-bender, but the fully exposed engine makes it good enough for me. And it wouldn't be Mahjqa without it having some kind of power functions magic trickery going on. All it needs is a kumquat sitting behind the steering wheel. That should be mandatory for all builds.



What? I saw some kumquats at the grocery store and I thought they were the cutest little things ever. OK, so sue me! But I bet they're tasty. You'd have to juice like 300 of them to get the same amount of orange juice you'd get in a Vodka Screwdriver, but you know...probably worth it. Jonathan Derksen builds a Lancia Fulvia and asks "what more must be said?" I have just one word to add to that. Kumquats!



Rolic builds a totally non-kumquat related 2003 Jeep Grand Cherokee with a PowerTech 4.7 L V8 engine. Man, just look at that grille! And that...uh...other grille right under the first one. Everything about this Jeep is pretty brilliant. I got nothing else to say. Other than, never commit a crime in front of somebody with a blurry face. Cuz you know they'll rat on ya on TV. And they seem to have impeccable memory for details.



No stranger to blurry-faced crime sprees is Loek1990 with his Mercedes SL65 Black Series with the 6.0 litre Biturbo V12. Those things had V-12's? Huh. You learn something new every day. I learned that midgets are littler than we are so therefore a lesser dose of chloroform is required, otherwise you kill the poor little bugger. Good to know.



No stranger to chloroform is LegoNoItAllMocs. Probably. Anyway, he goes and builds us a SnotRod from the Disney movie Cars. Its got flames and an engine and...um...yeah. So does this builder "know it all" or does he "no it all"? I'm a little confused on the matter. Does he say no to everything? Do you like ice cream? No. Do you like superheroes? No. Do you want to sniff this chloroform soaked rag? NO! Smart choice then.



Agent Who builds a wee little '49 Packard with a wee little engine. That engine is precisely the size of...um...whats that tiny little orange fruit? Tastes like tangerines? It would take like 300 of them to get enough juice to make a Vodka Screwdriver? You can eat the skins and all? What's it called? I'm drawing a blank here.



Tim Inman is smart. He reads books by...who's that wheelchair guy? Oh, right! Larry Flynt! Anyway, Tim builds us a rough and tumble Dartz Kombat MRAP posed next to a massive Hercules LDT-465 engine. It was from the movie Die Hard and was used to mow down college freshman or hippies or something. Why am I drawing a blank here? Oh right! Kumquats! I just completely brain-farted for like 10 minutes!



Speaking of brain farts, Lino Martins builds a boat. I know, I know...we're an automotive group and boats are prohibited...unless said "boat" is the '72 Buick Riviera in super '70's brown and lime. Then its "welcome aboard, matey!" A ship's wheel and swivel seats helps adhere to the boating theme while a big honkin' 455 Buick V-8 powers this land yacht along.



Planes are prohibited too. So sadly, even a well built model of the famous Red Baron triplane would have to be nixed from the challenge...unless it was a chrome-laden Harley Davidson FLH called Red Baron built by Bricksonwheels. Then its "welcome aboard, matey!" Or...uh..."Thank you for flying United." Or even "sit your ass down, sir before we call the federal marshal!" Whatever it is they tell you when boarding a plane.



I've even heard them say "this bathroom is for first class only, sir!" Anyway last month when we were all building the Ralston Tigers, each entry had to have the letter "X" somewhere in the design. I couldn't find Raphy's "X" for the life of me. Turns out, it was the engine...a Ralston Radial X-4. Its apparently not the first time someone has tried the radial X engine. Still, this is pretty crazy.



This challenge would be nothing without an engine name we can chuckle at. Thankfully, new guy Rhys' Pieces comes to our very last minute rescue with this Mazda RX-7 FD3S with a n/a 20b (1950cc) Wankel Rotary engine. (snickers) Yeah...Wankel Rotary! (snickers)Wankel Rotary! It sounds like the punchline to some phone prank. Excuse me, ma'am, is your refrigerator running? (snickers) It is? Then...uh...Wankel Rotary! Good bye! HAH HAH HAH!! Wait, that didn't make sense.



Boy, I gotta say, my prank calling days came to a screeching halt as soon as they invented Caller ID. And that also brings our challenge roundup to a screeching halt. How'd I do? I think the roundup could have used more jokes about dying grandfathers and the screaming passengers in their car...and I didn't even get a chance to joke about dog vomit. Maybe next time. Which brings us to...uh...next time. Its a challenge called Toyota Tacoma Time, and as the name implies, every swinging dingus in this group has to build a Toyota Tacoma...but for the love of God, they all better be different! Will yours be a hard working farm truck, a zombie killing apocalypse machine, or a Baja racer? I guess we'll have to tune in next time to see. Oh, by the way, I got the test results back from the doctor. That lump on my neck...just my adam's apple. Its supposed to be there. Totally normal. I guess I'll live on indefinitely. Good to know. So I'll see you next time then. And until next time...Wankel Rotary Kumquats!